Professionalism

At the beginning of the school year, there was a “Day of Professionalism” event. During one of the talks, the woman next to me was surreptitiously texting on her phone. I thought “Seriously? We’re here to learn about professionalism and you’re texting during the presentation? How unprofessional.”

Then I thought “Wait a minute. I don’t know what’s going on with her life. I don’t even know her name. Maybe she has something really important that she needs to communicate with someone, like coordinating to pick up her sister at the airport before the plane takes off or checking in on a friend who is sick. What right do I have to look down on her? Besides, what good does it do me to fill my mind with disdain for her? That’s not helpful.”

Maybe it’s unlikely that those situations were actually happening. Maybe it’s likely that she was just casually chatting with a friend and ignoring the presentation. Even so, it wasn’t my business, so I set that aside and paid attention to the talk.

Potluck

Yesterday, I went to a church potluck. About 30 people showed up; 90% of them were white. We had vegetable soup, kale salad, chicken casserole, broccoli salad, rolls, and a lovely dessert of pudding topped with whipped cream and chopped apples.

It was such a contrast from church potlucks growing up back home, where we had bulgogi (marinated beef), japchae (stir fried sweet potato noodles with vegetables), kimchi, rice, and Korean pears for dessert.

Even still, the food last night was delicious, and the people warm and hospitable.

Boring

Years ago, someone told me that I’m boring. Here’s how I would respond now.

A: “Joel, you’re so boring.”

Me: “You really should get that fixed.”

A: “Huh?”

Me: “I know that I’m not a boring person. I have so many stories and observations and experiences to share. I have the legacy of my parents and my family, generations of personal history. I have so much to say, and I know my voice matters. The fact that you think I’m boring has less to do with me and more to do with your deficient imagination, lack of manners, and disregard for other people. You really should get that fixed. But don’t worry, I’ll still treat you with respect even if you don’t do the same for me.”

Encounter

I remember once going to dinner with my friend (who is also Asian-American). We were walking on the sidewalk as a car turned a corner. One of the windows rolled down and a white guy yelled out “Go back where you came from!” in a decidedly unfriendly tone. The car drove away.

I’m fortunate that this was one of the few times that I experienced such blatant racial hostility. I grew up in a very diverse city with a large Asian population; I was accustomed to relating to folks from different backgrounds. I would tell people how I bow to my parents on New Years Day and they would tell me their traditions, instead of saying “That’s weird” or “Oh, is that like Asian ancestor worship, like in books?”

I was puzzled by the guy’s comment. Of course, I was a bit angry, and brief thoughts of harm flashed through my mind. But I wondered why he would think it appropriate to say what he did. Yelling an insulting epithet from the window of a passing car doesn’t take much courage. In fact, it’s the epitome of cowardice; one feels puffed up for fighting back against “them” without actually doing anything.

Ultimately, I decided to feel pity for this stranger that saw fit to speak words of hatred instead of life. Filling my mind with hateful thoughts toward him would only be toxic, so I let it go and went to enjoy dinner.

It was sushi. It was delicious.

Abbie

Today I attended a memorial service for Abbie Harper, the second year law student who passed away last week. She was 23. I never met her, but I got the feeling that I should be there. it was held in a chapel on campus, near the Divinity School. Many of her classmates were there, along with several professors. Professor Strahilevitz spoke on how he remembered Abbie from Property class, recalling her beaming smile and bright personality. Some of her classmates shared memories and stories, how they made plans for working in DC next summer and all the adventures they would have together. Her parents spoke a few words as well.

I was glad that I went. Life in school can be a whirlwind of classes and cold calls and outlines and exams and job searches. It can be easy to lose perspective. Attending Abbie’s memorial reminded me to be thankful for life, friends, and community. Her father shared that Abbie wanted everyone “to not be afraid to live.” To fear not, and live.

Cooking Together

I always enjoyed watching my dad and mom cook together. It’s rare to see older Korean men cook, but my dad is quite accomplished in the “frugal gourmet” way, as he would say. Watching them cook as a team was a great joy.

I’m not currently in a relationship (in fact, I’ve never had a girlfriend), but I would like my future wife to enjoy cooking. This is not so she can make delicious meals for me to eat (as some may say)! In fact, it’s not a matter of her being a good cook at all (although that’s a plus). I simply would want her to enjoy cooking, since I enjoy cooking and would want to cook with her.

Cooking is the enjoyment of life! Cooking is patience, allowing things to take their time. Cooking is toughness, braving hot pans and cuts and disappointments that turn to lets-try-agains. Cooking is care, giving of time and skill and creativity for others. Cooking with another person is trust, a letting go of a need to have control and have everything prepared just so for the greater joy of working with someone else. 

One day, I’d like to marry someone who enjoys cooking. But for now, I’ll be cooking for one, and that’s ok.

Be Nice

A colleague was complaining about a co-worker with a thorny personality. This woman was condescending and rude to her employees, and thus morale was low. My friend wanted her to be nicer to her employees, but was at a loss of how to change her personality.

I told her that while this woman isn’t nice, she greatly values efficiency and effectiveness. I suggested that my friend ask how well her brusque and biting approach was working with her staff (spoiler alert: it isn’t). She may be encouraged to be nice not from a natural warmth but from a desire for effectiveness in her team. My friend thought it was a great idea and would try it out.

Sometimes it is possible to convince someone to change their behavior not by appealing to human kindness but by leveraging other motives.