All You Can Eat

My dad told me he and my mom have a new favorite lunch spot. Cheap all you can eat salad, friendly environment, and very quiet during the day. The place? Chuck E. Cheese’s.

"$6.99 less $1.50 coupon = $5.49. The cheapest AYCE salad bar known to human race."

Loss

Went to Highland Hospital with a few friends to bring some cheer for those who need it. Met parents of a 21 year old son who has been in a coma for the past two weeks after a car accident. He was in the backseat of the car with the seat belt on when the car was hit. He was ejected out of the car and suffered severe head trauma. At first it wasn’t clear that he was going to survive. However, he’s now been physically stabilized, and the parents are sure that he will live. The question is how much of his personality will remain and how severe the possible brain damage will be.

I listened to them and said a simple prayer with them. I can’t fathom the pain this family is going through. The loss of what was normal life (because even if their son comes back, nothing will be the same as it was before) is wrenching. I do believe that God can bring good out of desperate situations, even ones like this. But I still can’t imagine how much it hurts. The thought of losing a son…

Yet as I write this, I’m reminded of the pain of God. Christianity dares to say that God knows the pain of losing a son. He understands our mourning, for He bore a great sadness of His own. Yet it is in His loss that we find our true comfort and hope.

"How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory”

Anger is Love in Motion

"Anger is love in motion towards a threat against that which it loves." - Timothy Keller

Anger is a response to defend what you love from a threat. If you are angry about something, ask yourself “What am I trying to defend?” The answer will show what you love.

For example, if I am at the grocery store and I get stuck in a long line, it’s appropriate to get a bit annoyed. But if I get unreasonably angry, I must be trying to defend something. I am defending my time and my ability to use my time as I want. I am defending my ability to control my time. How dare these other shoppers threaten my precious time? The root here is that I am defending my ego, so in love with myself that I believe my time is worth defending.

Check Your Receipt

Years ago, my mom taught me to always look over the receipt when exiting the grocery store, as sometimes the cashier may not have charged accurately. Today I noticed that the mushrooms that were priced at $2.09/lb got charged at $3.89/lb. I went back to customer service and was given my $1.70 as the difference.

A quaint story, but the bigger lesson is to double check the work of others and don’t be afraid to point out mistakes, whether it to be grocery cashiers or to doctors or to teachers.

Church Work

I was talking with my parents about church life. My parents noted that there are many people they see who are very active at church but have terrible problems with their spouses and children. There is a temptation to believe that religious activity will lead to a better life. Yet the message of the gospel of Jesus is that none of these things can save you. Your Bible studies cannot save you. Your hymns cannot save you. Your prayers cannot save you. These are all good things, but it is because they are good things that they are dangerous. We can be fooled into believing that just by doing them we can fix ourselves. Yet the message of Jesus is that what we most desperately need, the healing of our broken lives, is the one thing that we cannot get by our own efforts. Salvation is a gift, not a reward.

And parents! No matter how much you pray, unless you actually take the time to be present with your children and try to understand them, your prayers will not help your relationship. Talking to God is no substitute to listening to your children.

Small problem

When I was teaching at the special education center, I got to help students maintain perspective on obstacles. Many of our students were very routine-driven and would become quite upset when things went awry. For example, a student may be unable to find a pencil and would start freaking out. I learned to talk with them and ask “Now is this a big problem or a small problem?” This helped the student to calm down and realize that missing a pencil is a small problem, since finding another pencil is pretty simple.

Now I’ve taken to saying this phrase in my own life. For example, when my closet rod broke and all my clothes ended up on the floor, I said “small problem” and started cleaning up. Even when I cut myself while cooking and started bleeding on the table, I said “Small problem!” and washed it off. It is a bit silly, but I find it helpful.

Airline Ticket

The summer before my freshman year of college, I signed up for my school’s orientation (CalSO). As my mother drove me to the airport, I felt excited and nervous. This was my first foray into the adult world (before I figured out that college is very much removed from adulthood). I had booked the plane ticket myself and everything.

I arrived and went up to the counter to check-in. The woman at the desk looked at my ticket, puzzled. “Excuse me, but this is the wrong day. This ticket is for a flight on the 6th. That was yesterday. Today is the 7th.”

I immediately froze, uncertain what to do. I ran over to a corner near the ticketing desk. I started thinking of what a terrible mistake this was and how it would affect my career. “If I couldn’t even get something as simple as a plane ticket right, how will I ever get anything else right? If my first step into adulthood failed so terribly, I will fail as an adult.” I started crying. Overwhelmed, I took a taxi home. I never did end up going to orientation.

I’m reminded of this because just yesterday I made a mistake with another plane reservation, thus costing me about $200. However, instead of becoming overwhelmed with anxiety, I can take a more measured perspective. My mistakes and errors and oversights don’t determine my future. I can move on and learn from them without becoming overwhelmed by them. I guess this perspective is part of what it really means to be an adult.

Crisis

Job Interviewer: “Tell me about a time you had to manage a crisis at work.”

Me: “I was one month into my job at the special education center. I was assigned to work with one of our neediest students. He is 16, nonverbal, completely deaf, with severe cognitive limitations and moderate motor control issues. His wrists were raw from self-injurious biting and he wore a padded helmet to lessen the impact of smashing his head against walls, which he did regularly.

I was helping him in the bathroom, since he lacked the motor skills to manage independently. His diaper was soiled, so I was trying to help him throw it away and get a new one. Suddenly, he started screaming and biting his wrist. As I tried to stop him, he jumped onto the countertop and started banging his head against the wall. I was trying to stop him from biting himself, prevent him from hitting his head, and try not to get poop on him or me. I yelled for the Teacher’s Assistant to come help, at which point the student jumped down and bit me on the chest. I disengaged with mouth as the TA came, went to take a breather and tend to the bruise on my chest, then came right back after 5 minutes to continue working.”

Interviewer: “Wow. No one’s ever said anything like that before.”

Note: I didn’t get that job.

Note 2: I miss that student. He was hard to work with, but incredibly sweet.

Fluid

In giving blood today, I started reflecting on the nature of our physical bodies. I could feel the pulse of my blood leaving my body, filling the collection bag. I remembered how sometimes I would lay my head down to sleep on my pillow, only to hear the steady rhythm of the blood in my ears.

Asking a person to sit still is physical impossible. We are constantly pulsing, squirming, squishy beings. Sentient sacks of water, declared some wit in a book that probably was about a more important point but is lost to my memory save that one irreverent phrase.

Cover your ears with your hands. You can hear the thunderous drone of your internal ocean.

John 8

Gospel of John, Chapter 8: The Jewish religious leaders brought to Jesus a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. The religious leaders said to Jesus “the law of Moses commands us to stone this woman. What do you say?” Jesus stooped down to write in the sand. When they persisted questioning him, he stood up and said “let him who is without sin, cast the first stone.” He then stooped down and continued writing.

One by one, the religious leaders left, until only the woman was standing before Jesus. He stood up and said, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir.” “Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”

Note that Jesus did not say “Go and leave your life of sin and then I will not condemn you. Go and change the way you live, change your behavior, change your lifestyle and then I will not condemn you.” Yet I have seen Christians do this so often; I have been guilty of this myself. We make our acceptance of other people conditional on their changing themselves.

Now it’s true that sometimes it is necessary to establish boundaries and maintain consequences for behavior. For example, someone in an abusive relationship may need the other person to change before accepting them. However, these are special cases, it is acceptance that makes transformation possible, not transformation made to earn acceptance. It is because Jesus did not condemn this woman that she could leave her empty way of life.

Final

A university professor was preparing his final exam. He had taught this course for many years and always prepared an exam of multiple short essays to test students on their knowledge of the material. This year, he tried something different. When his students sat at their desks to take the exam, they found a blank sheet of paper and a notepad. When the test started, they found only these words: Evaluate Yourself.

When the professor received the exams back, he was amused by what he saw. One student had regurgitated the entire semester’s coursework in haphazard fashion on the notepad. Another student had several false starts, with “I am good,” “I am smart,” “I am competent” all scribbled out, leaving only scratches but no words. Several students had simply turned in their notepads blank. One wrote “A+! I am a winner!” in big block letters.

Yet one student’s response made the professor smile. “Professor, thank you for the class. I learned much from it. By the time you read this, I will most likely be at home, reading a book or spending time with my family. This test doesn’t evaluate me. I evaluate myself, and I say that I am not my successes or my failures. I am fine, I am worthy, I am loved.”

Reminder

A number of people have told me online and in person how much they enjoy reading what I write here. I started writing as a way to share some of the things that I have learned in life. I know I am still young in many ways, but I do know that I have some share of wisdom to offer, and I am glad that people have found it helpful.

One danger however is in entwining my sense of well-being with the popularity of what I write. Although this is always the danger of any writer (“Acknowledge my writing! Acknowledge me!”), it is especially perilous on a social media platform.

This webcomic and the accompanying quote reminds me that Facebook is a platform. It is a tool. It is not my salvation. My hope is not built upon it.

http://zenpencils.com/comic/129-marc-maron-the-social-media-generation/

Sorry for the Deluge

I decided to transfer all of my recent Facebook posts onto Tumblr for record keeping. Sorry for the mess.

Menial Tasks

I was talking with a friend about doing menial tasks while others are socializing after an event, such as wrapping up sound cables or cleaning up trash. It can be a bit of a lonely experience, taking care of responsibilities while others chatter away happily.

My idea is to find a friend and say “Hey! I value our friendship and want to catch up with you right now, but I need to take cafe of this first. Come help me so that we can chat while we’re doing this.”

Working with a friend turns a chore into a bonding moment.

Mom's Worries

Mom:
When you go to Chicago, I’m not concerned about how well you’ll do in school. You’re smart, so you’ll be fine. I’m not worried about the cold, or about how much work there is, or about your safety, or getting along with your classmates. What I’m worried about is that because you won’t be biking around as much, you’ll spend most of your time studying, and you’ll be stressed out so you might overeat, that you’ll get fat. You used to be chubby, so it’s easy to get fat again. Then you won’t get married, then you’ll get diabetes. Then you will die. So be healthy!

Giving Care

A few years ago, I went to a church retreat. There, I had dinner with a friend from another church. We weren’t that close, but he started sharing some very deep things with me. He felt alone, as if no one in his church was there to listen. He talked for a long time, and I just stayed with him, listening. It was clear to me that many of his friends felt uncomfortable with his pain, and so avoided him. He felt isolated because he was.

What I find is that many people want to be helpful and loving, but helping another person with emotional issues is hard. We can’t fix their hearts, so we are prone to neglect them. Their pain becomes our inconvenience.

If we remember that we can’t be anyone’s savior, that frees us to give what care we can offer. We are caregivers, but only God is the curegiver.

Sports

I don’t follow sports. When people ask “do you follow sports,” I used to say “no,” and the conversation would drop with an awkward silence. However, I’ve learned that people have an affinity for sports on a personal basis. There is always a reason people root for a team, whether because they grew up watching with their family or because they spent time in that team’s city. Sports is a proxy for a personal connection, so I focus the conversation on that instead. For example:

Friend: Do you follow hockey?
Me: Not really, but I enjoy talking about it. What team do you follow?
Friend: I’m a fan of the San Jose Sharks.
Me: Neat! How did you start following them?
Friend: My dad is a Sharks fan, so I would watch it with him growing up?
Me: What was that like?
Friend: It was fun!

Before long, we can direct the conversation to talking about her dad and sharing parent stories. I get to know more about the person and we can still talk about sports if she wants.

Ugly

"You are ugly."

There is something uniquely jarring and sinister about this phrase. Hearing someone say this to us may cause us to believe it, or at least respond strongly to it.

If someone said to me “You are covered in blue feathers,” I would say that a conversation defining the terms “covered,” “blue,” and “feathers” was in order. On its face, that statement is a lie. Yet why is it that “you are ugly” has such weight?

Perhaps because it is a comprehensive expression of worthlessness. “Ugly” simplifies the complexities of another person’s physical experience and expression into a sharp, piercing word. No matter how tender your heart, no matter how competent your mind, if you are “ugly,” you are worthless.

Too often, we allow the perceptions of other people to affect our experience of reality. We need other people who will speak truth to us, who see our beauty and declare it. Otherwise, we will believe the ugliness we hear. The one thing more chilling to hear than “you are ugly” is “I am ugly.”

Body Image

People are often surprised to hear that I have a history of body image issues, but it’s true. I was never obese, but I was certainly chubby enough to get taunted as a kid. I fortunately never had a destructive relationship with food, but I carried the cloud of “fat loser” in my head.

Even though I’m much more fit now, that clouded thinking is hard to shake off, and sometimes it creeps back into my head. The word “fat” is still an emotionally loaded word for me. I thank God for a changed mindset, but I know that I have a responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship with my body.

Leah

"It is my wedding night. I am walking to my husband for the first time. I have waited for this night for so many years. All my life I have been told that I am not beautiful. When I was a girl, the ore children would mock me. As an adult, men would treat me with disdain and scorn. My very own father expressed dismay that I was not beautiful like my sister.

Ah, my sister. Always the pretty one. Always the lovely one. Rachel the Beautiful. She would make men turn their heads when she walked past, but they would never notice me.

I have been so lonely for so long. All I ever wanted was for someone to hold me, to embrace me, to call me beautiful. All I ever wanted was tok be loved.

I go to my husband. He is tired from the day’s celebrations. It is dark. He holds me close, his arms tender and strong. I close my eyes as he embraces me and whispers “Oh, Rachel.”

I bite back my tears. For at least one night, I can be called beautiful. Yet in the morning, I know that I will once again be who I have always been. I will once again be Leah the Unloved.”