You are a host

Bear in mind that when people come to your place, you are a host. Whether it is your home, your school, or your workplace, anytime you have a guest with you, you are hosting them. Tell them where the restrooms are, offer them something to drink, sit down and chat with them.

Of our closest friends and companions, we may say “Well, they’re like family! I don’t need to offer them anything because they know that what I have is theirs.” True as this statement may be, it can be used as an excuse for our own lack of thoughtfulness and initiative in extending hospitality. Calling someone family should not be a cover for laziness.

Take the extra step. Be hospitable to your guests. It’s only considerate.

General Napkin Etiquette

If you are at a restaurant with a cloth or very sturdy paper napkin:

Don’t unfold it and cover your lap. It’s not an apron, after all, and what you’re communicating is that you’re not competent enough in using silverware to keep food from splattering on your clothes. Definitely don’t tuck it into your shirt as a bib, unless you wish to be treated as an infant for the duration of the meal.

Keep it folded neatly on your lap. When using it, unfold it and use the fold for your lips. The goal is to keep the used part of your napkin unseen. Your neighbors on either side of you at the table would rather not see stains of the marinara sauce or blueberry compote spotting your napkin.

Dab, don’t wipe or smear. Wiping may have the unfortunate effect of getting the food onto the rest of your face and damaging your lipstick (if you’re wearing).

If you need to leave the table momentarily, put your napkin on your seat. Don’t put the napkin on the table. Putting the napkin on the table is a sign that the meal is over and you’re ready to leave. Place the napkin neatly folded on your seat; don’t toss it down unceremoniously. When you are leaving, put the napkin next to the plate, not on it.

Don’t blow or pick your nose or clean your teeth with the napkin. Go to the bathroom if you need to do that (and remember to put your napkin on the seat).

If the napkin falls to the ground, it’s perfectly appropriate to ask the waitstaff for another one.

If someone spills a beverage on the table (hopefully not you), it’s alright to use your napkin to try to help clean it up as you flag down the waitstaff. It is a minor emergency, after all, although it would be preferable to get a fresh napkin. However, if the beverage spilled on someone else’s clothes, ask the waitstaff for a napkin or get one nearby. Don’t try to clean off the iced tea on someone’s blouse with your chocolate mousse-tinged cloth.

Dancers in Vegas

At the Vegas bachelor party for David, we went from casino to casino to take in the sights. We explored the opulence of Caesars Palace, scarfed down pizza at New York-New York, and caught the water show at the Bellagio. We stopped by the Venetian and decided to order some drinks at a lounge. We settled into our seats with our beers and watched the musicians set up on the stage. Guitar plugged in, mics set up, lights on. Then… “Just a small town girl, Livin' in a lonely world!” A Journey tribute band. Nice!

As the band played on, a middle-aged couple (maybe in their 50’s) came up and started dancing. Then another couple came up, and then another. Soon the dance floor was a sea of Hawaiian shirts and pastel cardigans, socks-with-sandals clad feet kicking it with Skechers Shape Ups. They were definitely grooving, pumping their fists and singing “Dooon’t stop… Beliiiievin’!!!”

These people, in their ordinary lives, are probably not very exciting. They are probably librarians or mail carriers or accountants. It’s been a long time since anyone has told them that they were sexy or suave or desirable (in general, they had very well-fed physiques.) Yet in that moment, on that dance floor, they didn’t care how silly or dumpy or awkward they looked. They were taken back to their youth and the crazy cool feelings they had about life, music, and each other. Love, nostalgia, and a healthy dose of I-don’t-give-a-crap-what-you-think-I’m-going-to-dance-my-heart-out came together in a flash of glory. Hold on to that feelin'

Hospitality

Whenever a guest comes into your home, always offer them something to drink. Anything will do (water, juice, alcohol if appropriate). More than just the beverage itself, it is a simple act of welcome. You are tangibly providing a benefit to them for free; you are extending generosity, even in if it is only in a small thing. It surprises me how many people forget this.

Thoughts on being a parent

First, let’s set things straight. I’m not a parent and probably won’t be for at least a couple years. But a thought about parenting has come up.

I heard this weekend about a new Korean movie that was just released called Don’t Cry Mommy. A recently-divorced woman’s daughter gets gang-raped by some classmates in her high school, which causes emotional trauma leading to suicide. Since they are minors, the boys are given a light sentence, much to the distress of the mother. She then goes on a rampage to exact excruciating physical harm on each of the perpetrators in an act of vengeance.

I haven’t seen the movie nor plan to, but I do want to comment on how heartbreaking and fearful parenthood can be. When parents rock their little infants at night or watch them go to school, there must be moments of panic and worry. Will they be ok? How will they navigate the strange and at times disturbing social world of their peers? How will they live today? Will they live today? It’s horrifying that any parent even has to think about this, but it’s an unfortunate reality in this world.

It’s true that those who don’t have children will never suffer this fear. Yet they will also never experience the great joy of parenthood. True love risks dismay, distress, and heartbreak. True love is risky.

Help Explain This To Me

Can someone please explain something here?

Once in 7th grade, my math class had a substitute teacher. At the start of the class he started going through the roll sheet, calling names one by one.

"Joseph Adams?"

"Here."

"Cindy Chang?"

"Here!"

He got to the name before mine.

"Shinya Idehara…what a cool name!"

"Here…uh, thanks."

"Joel Kim…what a boring name."

"Here…"

I felt confused and hurt. Why did he say that? Why did so flippantly insult my name (which, incidentally, was chosen by my grandfather, and thus is a link to my family heritage and is important to me). What possible reason could there be to say something like that?

Teachers, word of advice: Don’t do this. Don’t call your student’s name boring, especially if he’s in middle school and in that socially awkward, acne/chubby/clumsy, low-self-esteem-ridden time of life. Yes, it might be meant as a joke or to lighten the mood, but honestly. Don’t do this.

A Note for D.

It’s been a long time. What are you doing here?

…No, you can’t stay. I thought I made that clear the last time. I told you that I was done with this, done with you.

…Listen, I’ve found someone else, alright? Someone better than you. Someone better for me in every single way. He is good to me.

…I don’t care! I don’t care. Look, I know we have that history. You were part of helping me make sense of things. When I was feeling so horrible about myself, you helped me to understand why. You put together the whole story for me.

Except that it wasn’t true. None of it was true, and I was a fool to believe it from the start. You lied to me, and you had me lie to myself. You had me believe that I was worthless, that I was useless, that I had no right to desire acceptance, love, or compassion. 

But his story is better. His story is good. His story is true. He has given me fine clothes, finer than what you had given me all my life. With him, I can fully live.

So listen, I don’t want to see you come around here again, alright? I’m with someone else now, and I won’t be letting him go. He won’t let me go.

-Joel

ISA 61+3